The Lords of War (story)

The Lords of War? Yeah, I know it's a weird name, but it stuck.

Oh, you're asking why they're called that. Well, give yourself some sawrch, because it's a long story.

See, before the Lords showed up on the scene, most xeno-biologists were pretty darn sure that it was impossible for a sapient species to arise on a deathworld. Hyper-aggressive fauna, coupled with extreme biosphere variation and extremely active geology would pretty much guarantee that even if something smart did show up, its own planet would end up killing it anyway.

Then the probes came back with news of two planets proving our scientists dead wrong. The first was a pale blue marble. The natives were upright, semi-hairless apes. And they were mean. They'd grown up in a spawling savannah, with a cruel sun and even crueler predators, something that only made them harder. Their dangerous home had molden them into monsters of endurance, and they usually just chased whatever they hunted until it collapsed from exhaustion.

They used to call themselves the “Wise Men”, if you can believe that.

Anyway, the second planet was a green jewel. The natives were feathered serpents that came out of the central jungle of the planet, with two arms and no legs. They didn't have the endurance that the first species did, but sharp claws, sharper teeth and overwhelming drive to survive. They brought down the massive hungry beasts the roamed the canopies and forest floor with stones and spears, along with the weapons Nature had given 'em.

And both would just as readily kill each other as they killed their prey.

So. We had two, super-violent, sapient predators from deathworlds that flew in the face of all conventional knowledge that the only races that can achieve sapience are herbivores and sometimes omnivores with low-meat diets. This scared everyone just a little bit. But, we were sure that they'd just wipe themselves out in a century or two.

But for safe measure, the Council declared that no government or individual contact them.

Imagine to our surprise when we saw the serpents survive their own bloodlust. Their conquests lead to empires, not extinction. Their battles led to innovation, not loss. They dragged themselves through the industrial age and by that time, there were only three nation-states left, at which point the largest of the three conquered the other two in a decisive war, their leader declaring himself the Holy Emperor. But them being united didn't really change who they were, and I think they had like two or three civil wars before they discovered hyperdrive while testing a weapon.

The apes were pretty much the same, except after they had two global wars and used nuclear weapons at the end of the second one, they lied to themselves and said they would never fight again, forging a shaky alliance under a blue flag. That lasted about a century until they went right back to the killing, but then they went a little overboard and most of their civilization fell apart. When it was all said and done, the “United Nations” was the only governing body left. Even then, they still fought amongst themselves openly and bitterly in the obscure corners of their world.

I forgot how exactly how that batch discovered hyperdrive. Something involving them accidently blowing up their innermost planet.

You wanna get some more sawrch ? Some ba-shin, maybe? No? Alright, suit yourself.

To recap: two very angry, very dangerous species achieved spaceflight. Even when they got there they didn't stop with the violence; the homeworlds fought with the colonies all the time.

And both species were within 100 parsecs of each other. Some scientists ran the numbers, and they estimated that at the rate they were going, the apes and serpents would run into each other in about 500 years.

This revelation became something of a dark joke. Since nobody was allowed to contact them, we could only watch the collision happen in slow-motion. Some more depraved people began making bets on which of the two would survive the coming bloodbath.

And sure enough, it happened. 523 years after the prediction had been made, they made first contact. Everyone was expecting that they would fire as soon as they caught sight of each other.

And they did.

That was how most of their “meetings” occurred in the following decades. Eventually, both of their governments managed to establish formal diplomatic relations, and for a time there was relative quiet. But neither side trusted the other. In the years of “peace”, the United Nations and the Holy Empire began a stockpiling their machines of death, building ships, bombs, guns of all varieties, weapons of mass destruction, combat exoskeletons, and a thousand other ways to kill.

The Council was divided on what they should do. The Helbin, who were considered the meanest race before the other two showed up, and their slave races argued that the apes and serpents should be exterminated for the good of galactic peace.

The Shraa and their allies tried to convince the Council to go back on their previous edict and send a mediator.

The Vaoit kept saying the Council should just led both sides kill each other and let the problem solve itself.

After years of deadlock, the Helbin simply declared a decision had been rendered: they would exterminate the races regardless of what the Council said.

And so the Helbin and their many slaves sent their massive fleet towards the two unsuspecting races.

The apes were hit first; Black Ridge, their largest industrial center, had its shipyards destroyed and its planet bombarded into dust. At first the apes thought the serpents were invading, until they received a message from the Holy Empire that three of their colonies had been glassed by the same ships.

In those moments, the Helbin had made a great, and final, mistake. Millions of years collective evolution in the cradles of nightmares had been unleashed. Every ship, every soldier and every weapon that had been intended for each other were released upon the Helbin. In the weeks after the first strikes, the fleets of both species were brought together in fury and blood. While they were technologically inferior, the psychology that their violent past had given them led to them to innovations in combat that the Helbin had never thought of. Kamikaze attacks, boarding parties, scorched earth, total war; these were concepts completely alien to the Helbin and everyone else.

When the majority of the Helbin fleet was destroyed, they retreated back to their own systems. But the apes and serpents demanded the blood they spilled be paid back a hundred-fold. The Helbin erected planetary shields, the aliens responded by sending huge troop transports to capture their cities and bring the barriers down. The civilizations of the galaxy learned the true meaning of war on those years.

Every day we saw another city fall, another pile of the insectoid Helbin's corpses.

I saw a picture of an ape with the words that meant 'Born to Kill' etched onto her helmet, an armored serpent looking out over the ruins of a city with a rifle in his claw, soldiers of both species chatting amongst themselves as columns of flame and black pillars of smoke billowed behind them.

Soon, we stopped making a distinction between the two. They had become the Lords of War, united in purpose and viciousness.

When the Lords felt the Helbin had finally been humiliated enough, they offered surrender.

Even with the warriors looming over their homeworld, the High Proctor refused the terms, saying he would never submit to savages.

They dropped troops, stormed the Palace of Glory, and captured the High Proctor along with 20 other of the top-ranking members of Assembly of Overseers.

Surrender was offered again. Again, the Proctor said no.

After a few hours, a broadcast was sent to the entire homeworld. It showed the Proctor being lined up against a wall and gunned down by a firing squad. When it was over, a message was sent: they would go down the line of succession, killing each of the officials they had captured until they accepted their terms.

Ever day they would broadcast another execution, until finally only one remained. He was much less fanatical than the others, and with the threat of death over him, signed the surrender of his own civilization.

Hold on, lemme pull up the treaty they made him sign.

“The Treaty of Absolute and Complete Dismantlement of the The Cooperative Society of the Helbin by the United-Imperial Command"

Mouthful, huh?

Article A) The Cooperative Society of the Helbin is to abolish its military IMMEDIATELY.

Article B) The Cooperative Society of the Helbin is to release its slaves IMMEDIATELY.

Article C) Following Article A and B The Cooperative Society of the Helbin is hereby DISSOLVED, and its  former territories will remain under occupation until the governments of the United Nations and the Holy Empire see fit.

Signed, High Proctor Siwog

Supreme Admiral Charles Yung

Holy Emperor Palika XII

Brutal in its simplicity. The largest conflict the galaxy had ever seen was over.

The aftermath brought even more changes than the war itself.

They had been too busy killing the Helbin to formally establish contact with anyone else, but after they did, they rather amused about their new name. Rather than reject it, they readily embraced it, casting off their old titles.

No more humans, no more Haas Suul, only the Lords of War. And since they were united by name, I guess they made the next logical step and figured it was time to unite their governments too. The serpent emperor has long been reduced to a ceremonial figure, so it was with no protest that he was made emperor of both races under a great federation.

If you were also wondering why it's called the United Empire, that's a bonus for you.

So, there you go. Two insane murder-aliens found common ground on how much they loved to murder and got a new name because they loved to murder so much. I don't think I've ever seen a picture of a group of Lords without both types being there.

I'm rambling. The point is, never, ever fuck with the Lords of War.

Huh?

Why did I marry one, then? Well, if you want to know that story, I'm going to need some props...